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As in every fetish community, the fear of being outed as a participant in something deemed weird or pervy keeps many people, including bators, in the closet about their interests.

All things considered, mutual masturbation is pretty tame — masturbation is something most people already do, albeit alone — but the popular notion of masturbation as somehow being failed sex, the purview of lonely internet trolls, leads many would-be avid mutual masturbators to keep their sexual cards close to their chests.

Among men who have sex with men, mutual masturbation is often seen as sex-adjacent, rather than a sex act in its own right. Now we get together every few months — less regularly than a book club but more often than you see your best friend from college who lives in Washington Heights — hang out, and masturbate.

Sometimes we get a little stoned, sometimes we watch porn; afterward we usually catch up about friends or jobs or other plans.

In an effort to better understand the appeal of mutual masturbation and the community that seeks it, I went looking for other men for whom jerking off together is not merely sex-adjacent, but an important part of a balanced sex life.

The New York Jacks meetup was not my first experience with public group sex. Not wanting to overcommit, I paid the single entry fee and resolved to keep an open mind about investing in my jerk-off future.

On the other side of the final door, a large older man wearing a jockstrap and sneakers ripped our tickets and asked whether it was our first time.

With the chipper, big-brother gentleness of a sophomore at freshman orientation, he pointed us around the space. Paddles is a long, narrow room with a bar though no alcohol is sold or permitted at NY Jacks events; instead, water and juice are offered beside a stack of small plastic cups , identified in dreamy pink neon as Whips and Licks Cafe.

At one end of the main room, a set of stairs leads to a mezzanine with a few chairs and pleathery couches; at the other, behind an 8- or 9-foot wall that separates it from the main bar, is a more dimly lit space that leads to a small room with a leather sling — which is where I ended up while looking for the bathroom.

We undressed at a bench near the entrance, put our shoes back on, claim tickets tucked into our socks for safekeeping, and waded in.

Shoes and nothing else is an odd look, but the strangeness of it faded after a few minutes, and I stopped noticing.

Considered alongside the rest of the weekly schedule at Paddles, the activities of New York Jacks seem pretty vanilla. The line between a kink and a fetish can be hard to distinguish, but one measure is to define a kink as a sexual proclivity, and a fetish as a necessary condition for sexual satisfaction.

Mutual masturbation can be considered a kink for many who take part in it, but for others, who identify as solosexual , this kink rises to the level of fetish: It is their preferred or exclusive method of sexual activity.

Most of the men I spoke to are gay and do not identify as solosexual; mutual masturbation is simply something they enjoy among other homosexual diversions.

New York Jacks is aimed at these men, most of them gay, who are interested in group masturbation — witnessing it, participating in it, and making like-minded friends.

Some men I spoke to recounted experimentations with straight friends that ranged from watching porn together to jerking each other off, and for the ones who now identify as gay, these episodes reverberate intensely.

In hindsight, many seem like meeting halfway between Do I like this? Perhaps these are the opposite poles of every sexual encounter, but walking this line is vital to learning about your own desire, a process in which cruising and other forms of semi-anonymous sex, both online and in real life, can play a major part.

One such online space is Kik, where there is at least one large private chat group of men in New York City who are into mutual masturbation.

I spoke with one member of the group on Kik, a gay man in an open marriage whose husband is aware of his interests.

Mutual masturbation is about the safest sex you can have with another person, and, unlike many common sex acts between men, requires virtually no preparation.

It is the base unit of casual sex among men, and lends itself to cruising and other non-bedroom rendezvous.

I recognized it as a hobby that I want to share. And touch them! My own scattered, teenage experiments were furtive and secret, and made me feel a deep and long-lasting shame about my own interest.

Any closet is built out of a need to hide desire; even after coming out of The Closet, the major gay one, life can contain any number of smaller closets.

Perhaps it is painfully male to get off to waving your dick around, but it's true that simply getting naked in front of someone is a huge part of the appeal of mutual masturbation and shared exposure.

And that seems fine! This cult of penis-worship is on full display on BateWorld, a site that requires email registration to access. Straight guy friend jerk off but not shoot.

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